The Wave Buddy 1000

“WHAT’S this? ‘The Wave Buddy 1000?'” he reads from the empty box on the kitchen island. Did you buy more stuff we don’t need?” he says. He picks up the gadget’s thin instruction manual and begins to skim it.

She’s rooting around in the refrigerator.

The gadget, sitting on the kitchen island, is a fine mesh grid in an inverted bowl shape that, he assumes fits over whatever dish you are cooking or reheating. He picks it up and studies it.

“You know this looks a great deal like metal. Last I checked, metal in microwaves? No bueno,” he says.

“Oh, pish posh! It must be safe! They’re selling them at the grocery store for crying out loud,” she counters.

He fails to see the logic in this.

She pulls her head out of the fridge, she’s holding the leftover mushroom and cilantro risotto dish they made last night. She uncovers the bowl and places it along with the dubious looking wave buddy in the microwave. She shuts the door, sets the microwave timer to 1 minute, and presses START.

“Yeah, but look at the box! It says that using it creates an 88% more effective wave dispersion pattern! Isn’t that amazing? I have no idea what a ‘wave dispersion pattern’ is but that sounds impressive.”

He just looks at her and shrugs an exasperated ‘so what?’

“And I’m no mathematician but 88, is nearly 90 Isn’t it?” she says.

Not amused, he picks up the box begins reading the bullet points.

“Yeah, but right here it also guarantees 125% fewer cold spots in your food! Well, I am a mathematician and that is mathematically impossible!”

She peers into the microwave.

“Well, I guess it must not be metal, mister mathematician man! Look! No sparks!” she turns grinning broadly.

He puts the box down and continues to skim the instruction manual.

“Damn it! Shut it off!” he says.

“But it’s almost done! I only have 12 seconds … “

“Shut it off,” he says again. “Please.”

The ground beneath the kitchen begins to tremble and shake. As natives from California, this startles neither of them but they live in Kansas now and earthquakes are far rarer here.

He reaches past her and pushes the STOP button.

“Look!” he says as holds the instruction manual up to her face, jabbing a passage with his index finger.

WARNING: Use of the Wave Buddy 1000 may open portals to hell.

He watches her lips moving softly as she reads the warning to herself.

A horrible, metallic, screeching sound fills the kitchen as a hole slowly opens in the space above their kitchen island sink. What looks and smells like sewage water, begins pouring into the sink below. The smell of sulfur floods into the room.

He points again to the instruction manual.

“Now read this,” he says.

She looks.

“A DevCon product,” she reads aloud from the manual, the color drains from her face.

“Oh damn! Not this again,” she sighs.

He drops the instruction manual on the counter even as the first demons begin dropping into the sink. They are smallish creatures, barely three feet tall, but each one has a mouth overfull of pointed teeth and long, sharp claws on both their hands and feet. They snarl like rabid animals. They appear to be hungry and nearly as friendly as a dropped chainsaw.

He turns to the demons that have begun to exit the sink and fall to the floor.

“I’m sorry,” she says.

He waves his hand in a complex, Tai Chi looking gesture towards three of the demons. A wave of intense heat and light consumes them. Their shriveled, burnt corpses drop to the floor smoldering.

“Save it for later?” he says as he turns back to her.

She gestures with her upraised, extended right index finger, crisply flexing it downwards; in a ‘GET DOWN NOW!’ motion.

He ducks just as she blows a long stream of fire from her mouth incinerating seven more demons.

“Damn! The smell of the dead ones is even worse!” he says as he raises from his crouched position.

“And?” she says teasingly.

“Oh! Right! Thanks for saving my life and whatnot. Really nice work with the dragon’s breath by the way. You’ve made outstanding progress with it!”

“Aww! You really think so?” she says.

They both turn and blast twin fireballs at three demons standing on the edge of the kitchen island ready to pounce on his back. The force knocks them back into the sink.

“I do! When you started, you barely managed to get two feet projection! THAT!” he says as he jabs a thumb over his shoulder towards the sink, “That flame had to be at least eight feet long,” he says as he eyeballs the distance from the microwave to the kitchen sink. “Very impressive!”

“Well, that’s kind of you to say,” she says.

Demons are still dropping from the hell portal above the sink. The kitchen is a wrecked mess of blood, foul smelling water and fried demon corpses.

They both look at the kitchen. It looks like an abattoir in here. It is in no shape for cooking dinner.

“Delivery? Maybe Chinese? I could kill for some crab rangoon,” he says as he makes several karate chop slicing gestures towards the island dropping five more demons, each neatly severed in half.

“Maybe? In a bit?” she says smiling.

She is hungry but she’s also a bit behind in her practice.

“So should we close this thing up then or … ?” he says tilting his head towards the portal.

She hand glyphs a cloud of flying needles that kills two particularly fat demons just as they drop from the portal.

“I could go for a little more practice if you’re okay with a little more?” she says, eyebrows raised.

“Oh, I spoil you so much, don’t I?” he says.

“I love you too baby.”

The sorcerers turn their attention back to the demon spewing portal and resume their unplanned practice session in companionable silence.

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